Be It Resolved . . .

Resolutions for a new year or any time

It’s a tradition some people hate and others embrace – the creation of resolutions for the new year. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, creating resolutions can be a healthy and helpful way of improving your life. They don’t have to be made just at New Years, either.

There are three main problems that I see people encountering with their resolutions

1. scale
2. intention
3. belief

Let’s look at scale.

A lot of people seem to think that a resolution is no good unless it’s big. And sometimes that means too big. Someone who’s $10,000 in debt might make the resolution to get out of debt before the end of the year, but that’s setting themselves up for failure. By resolving, instead, to pay down their debt and not incur any new debt, they stand a much better chance of meeting their resolve.

What do I mean by intention?

The way a resolution is worded is important. When a person who’s overweight resolves to lose 50 pounds, they’re likely to get discouraged if they skip a day at the gym. And sometimes that discouragement is enough to make them lose their resolve altogether. If, however, they resolve to work on creating a healthier lifestyle, then skipping a day at the gym isn’t going to be seen as a failure. By going to the gym they’ve already met their resolution. They’ll only fail if they continue skipping days.

Finally, there’s a person’s belief about their resolution.

This is exactly what it sounds like. Many resolutions seem to be made without the belief that they’ll be met. Perhaps they’re only made because someone feels they’re “supposed” to make a resolution. Perhaps because they want to reach the stated goal. Whatever the reason behind it, if someone doesn’t believe in the resolution they make, chances are they won’t follow through.

---

Resolutions are a good way to set yourself on the path to a goal. People who state their goals, especially in writing, are much more likely to attain them than those who simply have a distant goal in mind. But don’t cripple yourself by creating resolutions that are destined to fail. Create realistic, attainable goals, and you’ll find yourself reaching them.

What resolutions will you make for the coming year?

Winter's Tale

As the earth spins on its tilted axis we mark the longest night.

Solstice. It’s a mere moment. Not even five minutes long. It marks the shift from lengthening nights and shrinking days to longer days and shorter nights. And it brings with it millennia of ceremony, mystery, and celebration.

Many cultures, both ancient and modern, have found something magical or mythical about the winter solstice. From the layout of ancient sites such as those at Stonehenge and Newgrange we know that people granted importance to the winter solstice as long ago as the Bronze Age. Today many communities celebrate with bonfires, song fests, or drumming circles to welcome the light.

Whether you choose to welcome the sun through celebration and ritual, or just recognize the lengthening of days and the lessening of seasonal affective disorder (many people grow depressed during the darker winter months), winter solstice is worth five minutes of reflection.

What do you find when you take five minutes to think about the history and significance of the longest night?

Two Thumbs Up

Your opinion only matters if someone knows what it is.

I was shopping online today, trying to figure out which video to order for my nephew. There were three titles that sounded promising, but I wasn’t sure which one he’d like most. I did it what a lot of people do. I looked at the reviews other people had left.

One title had just a couple of reviews. It obviously hadn’t inspired many people to write about it. I crossed it off the list of options. The other two titles both had several reviews. I read the top and bottom few reviews for both titles. While I think he’d like either video, the descriptions and reviews of one of them seemed to just scream his name. I ordered it. I’m certain he’ll be happy with it when I give it to him.

This got me thinking about reviews on sites such as IMDB, Yelp, or Amazon – places where huge numbers of people leave reviews. I rarely write reviews for these sites. Why not? I certainly use the reviews other people leave. I often use reviews to help me make purchasing decisions. I appreciate it when people take the time to leave a thoughtful review. Shouldn’t I give back in the same way?

The answer was obvious. Of course I should. And so should anyone who uses reviews. Actually, anyone who’s read a book, watched a movie, been to a business, or used a product should write reviews. It’s a quick way to share knowledge, to share experience, to share expertise. It’s a quick way to give something to everyone.

What can you take five minutes to write a review about?

Tell Me a Story

People want to be known. We want to be understood. We want to feel like we’re a part of something. One of the fastest ways to make those connections is through story.

Stories are everywhere. Not just on screen. Not just in books. Not just behind the words Once upon a time . . . . They are all around us. They are part of us. We are part of them.

As children we know this. We look at a tree and know its story (gnomes? fairies? eco-system?). We find an unusual pebble or scrap and create a history. When someone asks what we did last night, we tell it as a story with rich detail and texture. Somewhere along the path to adulthood, though, most people seem to lose this. We forget to look for the stories behind every day phenomena. We answer questions about our day with truncated episodes lacking color. And we don’t even seem to know something’s missing.

Storytelling was once considered an important, even sacred, act. Storytellers were respected. Now storytelling is too often reserved for children’s parties, kindergarten, and summer afternoons in the kiddie section of the library. But we all still crave stories. And you can learn to tell them.

There are lots of types of stories you can tell. You can tell fairy tales and fables. You can tell myths and legends. You can tell stories of people and events in history. You can tell personal histories. You can make up your own stories. If you tell a story that someone else created, make sure you give them credit.

The mechanics of storytelling are basic.

• Know your story’s beginning, middle, climax, and end.
• Use sensory details to bring the story to life – how things feel, taste, smell, and sound, as well as how they look.
• Keep it short and simple, including all that’s necessary to the story while avoiding tangents.
• Make the story your own. Even when telling a story that came from another source, own it. Use your descriptions and perceptions. Use words and language choices that are comfortable for you.
• Don’t worry about mistakes. If you get things out of order, if you leave something out, even if you skip an entire scene, it’s okay. Just keep telling the story. If you absolutely need to include something you’ve skipped, do so, otherwise let it be.

Stories are what connect us to each other. They connect us to our past. They connect us to cultures that seem different from our own. Stories highlight both our uniqueness and our sameness, showing us how we fit into our world. Those who share their stories offer a special gift to everyone who hears them.

What story can you share in just five minutes?

Listless

Listless: lacking spirit, energy, enthusiasm

I know a woman who creates lists for everything. If she goes to the store, she has a grocery list. If she’s working on a project she has a list of every step. She has lists for major things to get done each season, each month, each week. And, of course, she has a daily to-do list.

She doesn’t care if she doesn’t get everything on her list done. The lists are guides, not intractable laws. By having lists, she knows what she wants to get done. She can prioritize her time. She can choose to accept or ignore interruptions, and understand what affect that choice will have. She minimizes the chances of unnecessary surprises and catastrophes.

I’m not suggesting that you start creating lists for everything you do, though if that’s what works for you, go for it. But I do think you should be creating a daily to-do list. Having a basic to-do list focuses your day and helps you realize which things are most important.

You can create your list the night before if that’s when you’re at your sharpest. Just be sure to read over it in the morning before your day begins. Or you can create it in the morning so it’s fresh in your mind. The list should be fairly quick and simple to create. It doesn’t need to include every step of every task you set for yourself. It should, however, include all the tasks you want to complete.

You don’t have to follow the list. You don’t have to check items off. You can, of course, but it’s an individual choice. The act of simply creating the list can give you the focus you need, can help you plan and prioritize throughout the day. And when you know what your day holds, it’s easier to garner enthusiasm for things, to find energy that’s often lacking when the day’s demands seem overwhelming. It helps keep that listlessness at bay.

Take just five minutes to create a to-do list that will help you focus your day.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is in two days. Take five minutes to remember why it’s celebrated.

Not the controversies. Not the turkey. Not the stress. Not Columbus, Pilgrims, or Indians. No, we celebrate Thanksgiving to remember the help that one group of people gave to another. Strangers helping strangers through a harsh winter in an unfamiliar land. Take five minutes to remember.

When the Pilgrims came to this continent they were woefully unprepared. They knew nothing about agriculture here. They were unfamiliar with the soil and crops. They were unfamiliar with the growing season and climate. The crops they planted failed. They were facing starvation.

The Wampanoag Indians had no such problems. They knew the land. They knew the crops. They knew how to grow them. They had an abundance of food and shared with the Pilgrims throughout the winter.

Although their crops had failed, accounts show that the Pilgrims had a harvest feast that year (1621). They invited Wampanoag sachem (chief), Massasoit. Massasoit brought many of his people and most of the food, including five deer. There were nearly 100 Wampanoag and approximately 50 Pilgrims who shared that harvest feast – allies who offered each other help and protection.

Later years brought pain, sorrow, and enmity to the relationships between the European settlers and Native Americans, but don’t let that sully the unselfish acts for which we give thanks.

What can you take five minutes to be thankful for?

Don't be a stranger

“People are strange when you're a stranger. Faces look ugly when you're alone.” ~ The Doors

There’s truth to the song lyrics above. Fortunately people don’t have to remain strangers. They don’t have to feel alone. And you can be the person to make it so.

How?

Talk to people. Talk to people everywhere. Well, everywhere it’s appropriate. And it’s appropriate in many more places than you might think. It’s appropriate to talk to people while you’re standing in line at the grocery store, bank, or deli. It’s appropriate while waiting on your oil change or doctor. It’s appropriate at the gym. It’s not appropriate if you’re watching a movie or in the stall of a public restroom.

A lot of people are hoping someone will notice them. They want to be acknowledged. They want to know someone thinks they’re special, thinks they’re worth talking to. A lot of people will love it if you strike up a conversation with them. No, not everyone will. You will be rebuffed and rejected. But so what? You’ve lost nothing by trying to start a conversation. More often people will be receptive and you’ll meet interesting people.

There are tricks to starting conversations with strangers. The biggest one is that you have to set your ego aside. If you want to engage someone else, find out about them. Ask them questions. It’s okay to start with innocuous ones – what do they think about the Muzak version of the song that’s playing – or about something that’s going on where you are (shared experience). The more you do it the easier you’ll find it and the more ways of starting a conversation you’ll discover.

Generally, people like to talk about themselves. And a lot of people are starved for opportunities to do so. Ask people about themselves. Show a genuine interest in what they have to say. Listen to their answers and offer thoughtful responses. Show each person that you know they are valuable.

Chances are most conversations will remain just chance encounters that help pass the time and give you a glimpse into someone else’s life. Every now and again, though, one of these conversations will lead to more. You’ll discover a true connection, a spark, and you’ll have made a new friend or business associate.

Will you spend just five minutes today to keep someone from remaining a stranger?

Elevator Speech

If you got on an elevator and met someone you wanted to work with, would you know how to convince them to give you a chance?

The elevator speech is a common tool touted by employment coaches and networking groups. The idea is that if you were in an elevator with someone you wanted to impress, you’d better be able to impress them before they get to their floor. Generally, you should be able to give them your spiel in thirty seconds. It’s a simple idea, but it’s execution can be tricky.

The name is actually a bit of a misnomer, and one of the reasons people have trouble creating a good elevator speech. You see, it isn’t really a speech at all.

If it isn’t a speech, what is it? That’s easy. It’s the start of a conversation.

The first part of your elevator speech tells the other person what you do, something that will intrigue the other person enough that they’ll want to know more. It is not your job title.

“Hi. I'm Tam. I tell stories that help people and businesses.”

Once someone has asked for more information (“How do you do that?”), you need to tell them why they should care what you do, how it relates to them.

“Everyone has a story that connects them to others. Using traditional and social media, I get those stories out there.”

At this point, you’re likely to get another request for more information (“Really? How?”). This is the opening you want. Rather than giving them the details of your business, you leave them with the promise of more. You suggest a meeting.

“I'd love to sit down with you later to discuss it.”

Ask for the other person’s business card. You can offer yours, too. Offer sincere thanks and a handshake (or a hug if that's your thing). Tell them it was nice to meet them and that you hope you can be helpful to one another in the future. After you get home, send them a written thank you note. They'll remember you.

That’s all there is to it. Create an initial statement that describes what you do in such a way that the person you’re talking to wants to know more. When you give them more, give them enough to have a real idea of what you do, but leave them wanting still more. And then ask for the meeting to give them the more that they want.

Do you know what would say to create the opportunity that could change your life?

That's Smokin'!

Sometimes quitting is exactly the right thing to do.

It may seem unlikely, but if you’re one of the many people who are trying to quit smoking, there are actually two ways you can spend just five minutes to help you out.

1. Five minutes of exercise

That’s right. Not only can just five minutes of exercise keep the doctor at bay, but it seems to help people quit smoking, too. And helps them quit smoking without the commonly associated weight gain.

Dr. Adrian Taylor (University of Exeter) was the lead scientist in a team that reviewed findings from multiple studies on the link between smoking cessation and exercise. What they found was that just five minutes of exercise quickly and drastically cut cigarette cravings and helped reduce withdrawal symptoms for up to 50 minutes. One of the most interesting reports from Dr. Taylor’s team was the finding that just five minutes of exercise was as effective at curbing cravings and symptoms as a nicotine patch.

2. Focus on something else

Cigarette craving are often the downfall of the person who’s trying to quit. The craving comes on strong and feels as though it will never end unless you appease it with a quick drag.

The truth is, most cravings fade away somewhere between 90-seconds and five minutes.

It isn’t easy, but you can conquer five minutes. You can overcome that craving. Find something to take your mind away from the craving. Listen to a song. Read a blog post. make a phone call. Exercise. Find something to do for five minutes, and you'll find you can get through the craving.

Once you’ve pushed through once you’ll know you can do it again. Once you’ve pushed through several times, you’ll know you have the willpower to never smoke again. You’ll have successfully quit.

Have you wanted to quit smoking? Take just five minutes to start stopping today.

Listen up!

Listening, really listening, can make a difference.

S- likes to talk. She really likes to talk. She really, really likes to talk. Unfortunately, this sometimes means she talks to the exclusion of listening.

Not long ago S- and a friend went to the park and played golf. The friend drove her home afterward and dropped her off in the parking lot. S- climbed out of the car, closed the door, then leaned through the window to thank her friend and let him know she'd had fun.

After several minutes her friend told her he had to go. He had something else he needed to get to.

"Okay." . . . blah . . . blah . . . blah . . .

Half an hour later she was still leaning through the window. She was still talking. He tried again.

"Great. But I really have to go. Maybe you can finish your story next time we get together."

"Sure. One sec." . . . blah . . . blah . . . blah . . .

It took an hour and a half from the time her friend drove into the parking lot to drop her off until the time S- pulled out of the window and let him drive away. It had the effect of making her friend choose not to hang out with her the next time she asked, and leery of agreeing to hang out with her anytime in the future. And it only happened because she wasn't listening.

There are several reasons people don't listen well. Some of them are:

• Focusing on our own thoughts, ideas, and stories;
• Assuming we know what the other person is saying or thinking;
• Trying to come up with our response before the other person is finished speaking;
• Being too tired, hungry, etc., to give our full attention;
• Coming into a conversation with prejudices or other preconceived notions.

How can you spend just five minutes overcoming your barriers to active listening?

Pardon You

Forgive: To give up a feeling of resentment

A couple of years ago I took a university course called Psychology of Happiness. It was just a short course. One month, two credits. During the course we started discussing forgiveness. Should people always be forgiven? Are there some things that are unforgivable? Should anything be forgiven?

There was a lot of discussion. A lot of argument. Heated argument. There was a large, loud contingent of people who believe that there are definitely things that are unforgivable. Most of them had examples.

• abuse
• cheating in a relationship
• murder
• rape
• and more

We didn't discuss what forgiveness is.

The definition of forgiveness has nothing to do with accepting someone's bad behavior. It has nothing to do with keeping a toxic person in your life. It has nothing to do with giving approval to the person whom your forgiving. It, in fact, has nothing do with the other person.

Forgiveness, by definition, is letting go of your resentment.

You can forgive someone and still recognize that you need to distance yourself from them, or know that their behavior is such that you can no longer allow them in your life. That is, forgiving someone is something you do for yourself. You do it for your well-being, your state of mind, your health.

Can you take five minutes to let go of a resentment that you've been clinging to?

Re-View of the Day

Do you know what you did today? Look again.

I was hanging out with my nephew the other day. He's a teenager and, like most teenagers (like a lot of people, really), his mood can change faster than Lady Gaga changes outfits.

I was helping him with his math homework. This is often an exercise in patience and tact; he does not enjoy math. He'd stare at the problem. He'd write it down. He'd scrabble with the steps, scritching his pencil across the paper as he thought. And, eventually, he'd arrive at the answer. It was slow-going, but he was getting it.

And then we reached a problem that he couldn't figure out. He tried. I tried to help him through it. He tried again. I tried again. No luck. After struggling with it for a while, I told him to skip it, told him he could see if his teacher could explain it in class the next day. We continued with the rest of the assignment.

That night, as I was saying goodnight to him, the good mood vanished.

"This is stupid. I'm not tired. I shouldn't have to go to bed. This entire day has sucked!"

I sat on the floor next to his bed. (He's got a reverse-loft, so there's not enough room to sit on his bed without hitting my head.)

"Really? Nothing good has happened all day?"

He shook his head. I sighed. I started asking him about specific parts of his day. Things that had gone wrong, such as not figuring out the math problem. Things that had gone right -- figuring out all the other math problems. He managed to come up with a lot of things he'd done well during the day, and we talked about how to do more of those sorts of things more often. We also talked about how he might be able to avoid some of the problems he'd had throughout the day. Within five minutes, he'd calmed down. His day no longer seemed so bad. And the following day looked promising, too.

If you take five minutes to review your day, you can figure out what worked and how to repeat it, and figure out what didn't and how to avoid it.

Persephone, hold firm

If something doesn't feel right, even when it's an offer of help, maybe it isn't.

I'm moving tomorrow. A friend drove up from Colorado to help. When he made the offer he told me that he could get a good deal on a moving van and offered to rent one and drive it up here.

I hemmed and hawed. Wouldn't that end up being awfully expensive? Sometimes they charge per mile on top of the rental. He insisted it would be a good deal, but promised to give me prices before he reserved it. When he called me with them, they turned out to be just about the same as what a U-Haul truck would cost to rent. I suggested I just reserve the U-Haul so he wouldn't have to deal with it.

"But how would I get out there, then? Or, if I drive, what would I do with my car."

I had three suggestions: rent a car and drive up, take the bus, fly. He had arguments against each of them. Although I wasn't comfortable with the decision, I eventually agreed to leave the renting of the van to him.

He arrived yesterday. In a cargo van. Not a moving van, a cargo van. For the same price the U-Haul would have been. We've loaded it as full as we can, but there's a lot that won't fit. My vacuum. My shelves. My loveseat. And more. I have to leave them behind.

In the scheme of things, what I'm leaving behind is just stuff. It doesn't matter. But I shouldn't have to leave it. Had I held my ground and told my friend that I was uncomfortable with him renting the moving van, that I wanted to make sure I got the van I wanted, I wouldn't have to leave anything behind. He might have been annoyed, but not for long. I would have had to pay for him to fly out, but I'll end up spending more than that to replace what's being left.

It's my fault, and I'm annoyed with myself.

What can you stand firm on in just five minutes that may save you headaches or expense later?

What's the meaning of this?

"I hate my job. I can't wait till I retire so I can do something meaningful. Something that helps people."

I've worked with a lot of different people in a lot of different jobs, and this is something I hear over and over.

Sad, isn't it? To think that we can't do anything meaningful without having a lot of time. Yet there are billions of people who believe it. (Based on anecdotal evidence — I'd say more than half the people I've talked to believe it.)

It's a faulty belief. Sure, if you really believe it, it's true. You make it true. But it's an easy enough belief to challenge. An easy enough belief to change. And beliefs that are easy to change are rare.

Here's what you do:

Sometime over the next day, do something nice for a stranger.

It could be paying the toll for the person behind you. Helping someone carry their groceries to the car. Offering a sincere compliment.

Save the emotional experience. Write down how you feel.

This should be done as soon as possible, so the emotional response is still strong. Are you happy? Proud? Connected? You don't need to use a lot of words — just enough to tell you how you feel. After you write the emotions, briefly write down what you did.

Read it —out loud — to yourself.

What would it be like if you felt this way on a daily basis? If you spent just five minutes doing something nice for someone else, and reflecting on how it makes you feel?

Rinse and repeat.

Do this again every day for a week. Then for a month. A year. A lifetime. You may not choose to write down your emotions every day, but you can still savor them.

It's that easy. Spend just five minutes helping someone else in some small and unexpected way, and you can change your life.

What can you do to add meaning to your life in just five minutes?

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Asking a question or telling someone what you want takes almost no time. And you certainly accomplish it within just five minutes.

When I was 15 I went to Mexico with the Girl Scouts. In order to afford the trip I sold tons of cookies, wrapped packages in the mall, and participated in several other fundraisers. I earned enough money to not only pay for the trip, but to give me a bit to spend while there.

The trip was great. There were five of us who went – two adults and three girls. We spent the first week in Cuernavaca at Our Cabana, one of the Girl Scout World Centers. From there we had day trips to other areas. We visited pyramids. We worked on service projects at a local orphanage. We saw the silver artistry of Taxco, where I bought silver earrings for several of my friends. And we got to know the counselors who worked at Our Cabana.

One morning, after we'd already returned from Taxco, we were at breakfast and I noticed the earrings that one of the counselors wore. They were simple silver drama masks – Comedie on one ear, Tragedie on the other. In my group of friends back home, one of the ways we let someone know that we liked something they had was to ask them to will it to us. So that's what I did.

“Sue, you should leave your earrings to me in your will. They're awesome.”

Sue looked a bit disconcerted and didn't really respond. Sometimes adults acted funny about the idea of their wills, of their death, so I dropped it. I didn't think about it the rest of the week.

On our last day I sat outside with my luggage, waiting for the rest of my group, talking with some of the other girls I'd met during the week. Counselors stopped by to say goodbye and wish us well on the rest of our travels. Sue cae up and did the same. But then she took a step, paused, and stepped back.

“Which one of you was the one who said I should put them in my will?”

I swallowed, knowing I was about to get lectured on the inappropriateness of having done so. I squeaked out the word, “Me.”

“Here.” She handed me the earrings I had liked. “You're not going to get another chance to get back to Taxco, and I go there every couple of weeks. I want you to have them. Have a good trip.” And she walked away.

The girls I was sitting with asked me why she gave them to me. And I heard in their tones and saw in their faces that what they were really asking was why she hadn't given them anything. It was a simple answer – I had asked for them.

I had always heard the proverbs The squeaky wheel gets the oil, and Ask and ye shall receive, but I had never really applied them to my life. I certainly hadn't intended for Sue to give me the earrings I'd admired simply because I'd asked her to. But she did. A five dollar pair of earring – easy enough for her to replace. But a priceless gift and lesson for me.

Something similar happened at work about a week ago. I was asked to stay on the contract for another two months, but I was asked on the day I had planned to give notice at my apartment. I had already begun packing for my move. I had help lined up to help me move from North Dakota to Colorado. I looked at several factors over the weekend, and determined that it didn't make financial or logistical sense for me to stay through November. I would be leaving the first week of October, as planned.

I sent an e-mail to all the pertinent people, letting them know my decision. But, I added, half-joking, if they wanted to let me telecommute from Colorado, I'd be happy to stay on the project. Today – one week after they received that e-mail – the paperwork was signed. That's record time for the federal government. This seems to be an unprecedented situation. And I know that if I hadn't asked, it wouldn't have happened.

How can you let someone know what you want in just five minutes?

Just Do It

"I'll get started after I've studied it a bit more. I'm almost ready; I just need more background knowledge."

I got to meet some inspiring people at the Seth Godinevent in Minneapolis last Thursday. The woman who said she'd get started "after I've studied" was not one of them. She was nice. She was friendly. And she thinks she'll make a million dollars off of the business idea she wants to study more. She won't.

It's not that her idea can't make a million dollars. Million dollar ideas happen every day -- often the things we least expect. No, the reason she won't make a million dollars is because she's not working on her idea.

I believe her when she says she needs more information before her idea is perfect. Perfection doesn't happen. And it most definitely doesn't happen if you don't get started. By studying instead of doing, she risks nothing. By risking nothing, she has no chance of failing. But she has no chance of succeeding, either.

There are things she can do while still studying. Ways she can start DOING. She can write up a business plan. She can look for investors. She can mock up a product. Once she mocks up a product she can start selling it -- even though it won't be perfect. I've never met a customer who would rather buy a perfect nonexistent product instead of an imperfect product that actually exists. (If you know of any, send them my way. I'll sell them plenty of perfect nothings.)

The point is to start. Education and research is important, but they can quickly become excuses to never go anywhere. If you have something you want to do - do it. It takes just five minutes to get started on something. So get started.

What "perfect problems" can you overcome by spending just five minutes actually working on them?

Someone Else's Time

Sometimes it's someone else's five minutes that makes a difference in your life.

I'm going to Seth Godin: Live in Minneapolis on Thursday. I'm broke, and about to be unemployed, but he inspires me enough that I know he's worth it. I live 8 hours from Minneapolis, so I'm taking the next three days off. And, although I'm not a fan of driving long distances, I am giddy -- yes, giddy -- about this trip. I am going to a question ad answer session with someone whose advice I respect. Someone whose words and ideas inspire me.

It was actually a blog post of Seth Godin
(and the egging on of Ginger Reader, blogger at BADD)that got me started writing this blog. His post was about how, if you rock for just five minutes a day, you can do extraordinary things.

I have that particular bog post printed out and hanging in my cubicle. Not only does it remind me to have an extraordinary five minutes every day, it reminds me that, when I do something less than extraordinary, it's okay. Not everything has to be fantastic, awesome, spectacular. And that's important to remember.

The (less than) five minutes I spent reading that post have influenced me and others I've shared it with.

What has influenced you in just five minutes?

When you assume, it makes an . . .

We all make assumptions when we communicate. We have to. But sometimes assumptions end up causing more work or lost opportunities.

I live in a booming town. While the rest of the country is experiencing a major recession and fallout from the housing market going belly up, North Dakota has the lowest unemployment in the country. There isn't enough housing in the area to accommodate everyone moving here. Apartment buildings have waitlists that are multiple pages long. New houses and apartment buildings are springing up in every empty lot. Oil companies (oil is the reason for the boom) are actively recruiting, and are paying well.

I give you this background to show that, although this is a small town, there is a huge influx of new blood – people who don't know their way around the area, who don't know where buildings are or what's happening when. I've lived here just over a year (a year and one week, today), so I count myself in the newbie category.

If you've been reading my blog, you know that my job ends in six weeks. As I looked at the paper yesterday I saw that there's a big job fair today. I read through the article. I looked through the special pull-out section. They both told me the same thing: Job Fair at the Badlands Activity Center. Neither told me where the Badlands Activity Center is. Okay. No big deal – shoddy reporting, but I could look it up online.

I thought.

I did find that the BAC is part of the university (in cooperation with the city). And the university had several pages dedicated to the BAC. I learned how to donate money to support it. I learned that it's better landscaped than a local football field. I learned a bit about its history. I found the activity calendar showing the job fair from 9-4 today. I did not find its address.

Next up – Dex.

The badlands Activity Center wasn't listed in the yellow or white pages.

Google maps? Sometimes they show specific locations.

This is where I got lucky. While Google maps didn't have an address for the BAC, someone had uploaded a photo. I zoomed in and found the cross streets. Woot! I can get there.

I should not have had to work so hard to find this information. The people who put together the job fair should have put the address on all of the publicity material. By not spending just five minutes to ensure that their audience could find them, they may well have lost part of that audience. I'm not the only newbie looking for a job. I'm not the only person who doesn't know where “landmarks” are. It's easy to assume other people have the same knowledge that you do. Don't make that mistake.

How can you spend just five minutes to ensure that your assumptions about whomever you're communicating with won't cause either of you problems?

Check the Date

We all fear rejection. Which is why asking someone on a date is a hard thing to do. But being wishy-washy about asking someone on a date -- that's can be even worse.

I helped out one of the new employees at work -- showed him how to save a ton of time on a particular project by automating the data entry. Friday he came by my cube.

"I want to thank you again for helping me out. You saved me a lot of work. Will you let me thank you by taking you out to dinner on Saturday."

Keep in my mind that he's talking to me in the middle of the workday, at my cube, and there are plenty of our coworkers around who hear him. The situation makes it seem much less like he's asking me out, and more like it really is a thank you dinner. Plus, as Chuck Klosterman points out in Downtown Owl, the people around here are friendly but not particularly interested in becoming friends. He's been here a month and is probably as starved for a non-work conversation as I am.

Even recognizing he might be asking as a date, I said yes, because he didn't say it was a date. He said it was a thank you. I try to take people at their word.

Also, generally if someone couches a date in other terms, they don't make it extremely date-like. They take the dinner (or whatever) as a time to gauge whether or not a real date is a possibility.

So we go to dinner. There's a yellow rose in a vase on the table. Jazz is playing softly in the background. It's nice. This is Dickinson. There are few vegetarian options on the menu. I order an entrée salad. He orders steak. We have a nice dinner, good conversation. After dinner, as we're leaving, he tells me to take the rose. I figure he's joking; who takes the flower from a restaurant table. I laugh and say no. He insists. After a couple of moments of this I realize there are no roses on any other tables. I take the vase and flower, but my comfort level has dropped.

At least it's a yellow rose, I think. That's the rose for friendship. *Maybe* that's how he means it. (It's amazing what we tell ourselves, isn't it?)

I've already agreed to stop at his apartment. He's ordering some new furniture, and has told me he wants a second opinion on how it will look. On our way to his apartment, I let him know that I can't stay late; I still have work to catch up on tonight.

He gives me a brief tour of his apartment. It's very nice. Mine feels squalid in comparison. He said he wanted honest opinions, so I give him mine. He wants to show off his stereo system -- something he had talked passionately about at dinner. So he puts on a CD. We discuss a range of topics from flamenco to the multiverse. He seems surprised that I can follow the conversation, that I have heard of the multiverse or the golden ratio. I'm surprised that he's used to people who can't follow that discussion, who don't know of these things. I remind him I have to work. We talk a bit more.

And he gives me a box of truffles. Okay, now I can't pretend to myself that he doesn't mean this as a date. Once again, my comfort level drops.

And as we're leaving for him to take me home, he steals a kiss. Now, regardless of what happens later, he can't pretend that it's not meant as a date.

Comfort level: sub-basement.

On the drive home he asks if I'm involved with anyone.

"Sort of."

"'Sort of,' like it's ending?"

"'Sort of,' in that we're trying to figure out where we're going."

"Then I apologize for stealing that kiss."

Though I half want to rail at him for turning what could have been a friendly, getting-to-know-you dinner into an uncomfortable evening, I tell him it's okay.

"Then can I steal another?"

Why couldn't he have been that up front in the first place? Yes, at this point the audacity or courage or whatever you want to call it was inappropriate, but it would have been absolutely appropriate for him to squirrel his courage when he invited me to dinner instead of hiding behind "Thank you." It wouldn't have taken five minutes to tell me what he actually had in mind. And it would have saved us both discomfort and embarrassment.

How can you make your wishes clear in just five minutes?

In Defense of . . .

"I'm okay with most people, but that (shudder), that's just . . . It's not right."

Twice in the past week I heard people say this, or something a lot like it. And that was just last week. It's a judgment statement that people make all the time. If the statement referred to something harmful:

I'm okay with most people, but rape/ pedophilia/ beastiality/ murder (shudder), that's just . . . It's not right.

Then I might not have a problem with it. I still wouldn't like the word choice -- condeming the person instead of the action -- but I'd be a lot more okay with it.

Last week, as usual, neither statement was about actions that cause harm to anyone. In fact, they weren't even about actions or lifestyles that would be easily noticable.

Last week, the things that brought about the squeamish comments were gender correction surgeries and furries.

And, as usual, the comments made by the squeamish illustrated how uninformed they were. To be fair, though, one of them asked me questions. The other just made assumptions. Sadly, making assumptions seems to be the more common of the two.

Although the conversations we ended up having in both instances lasted longer than five minutes, it took just five minutes for me to address and refute many of the common misconceptions, stereotypes, and prejudices regarding both gender dysphoria and furries.

Most prejudices stem from ignorance. And much of that ignorance can addressed, on a surface level, in just five minutes. People who hold prejudices will often start to rethink their points of view if someone they know challenges their assumptions. Five minutes may not overcome the prejudice, but it's a start.

What prejudices can you address in just five minutes?