A New Year, A New Priority

I've enjoyed writing these weekly blog posts for the past eight months, but it's time to move on. I may come back to this on occasion and add new posts, but, for now, I have other priorities demanding my attention. Perhaps I'll take this up again in a few months. For now, though, thanks for reading. I hope to come back soon.

Be It Resolved . . .

Resolutions for a new year or any time

It’s a tradition some people hate and others embrace – the creation of resolutions for the new year. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, creating resolutions can be a healthy and helpful way of improving your life. They don’t have to be made just at New Years, either.

There are three main problems that I see people encountering with their resolutions

1. scale
2. intention
3. belief

Let’s look at scale.

A lot of people seem to think that a resolution is no good unless it’s big. And sometimes that means too big. Someone who’s $10,000 in debt might make the resolution to get out of debt before the end of the year, but that’s setting themselves up for failure. By resolving, instead, to pay down their debt and not incur any new debt, they stand a much better chance of meeting their resolve.

What do I mean by intention?

The way a resolution is worded is important. When a person who’s overweight resolves to lose 50 pounds, they’re likely to get discouraged if they skip a day at the gym. And sometimes that discouragement is enough to make them lose their resolve altogether. If, however, they resolve to work on creating a healthier lifestyle, then skipping a day at the gym isn’t going to be seen as a failure. By going to the gym they’ve already met their resolution. They’ll only fail if they continue skipping days.

Finally, there’s a person’s belief about their resolution.

This is exactly what it sounds like. Many resolutions seem to be made without the belief that they’ll be met. Perhaps they’re only made because someone feels they’re “supposed” to make a resolution. Perhaps because they want to reach the stated goal. Whatever the reason behind it, if someone doesn’t believe in the resolution they make, chances are they won’t follow through.

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Resolutions are a good way to set yourself on the path to a goal. People who state their goals, especially in writing, are much more likely to attain them than those who simply have a distant goal in mind. But don’t cripple yourself by creating resolutions that are destined to fail. Create realistic, attainable goals, and you’ll find yourself reaching them.

What resolutions will you make for the coming year?

Pardon You

Forgive: To give up a feeling of resentment

A couple of years ago I took a university course called Psychology of Happiness. It was just a short course. One month, two credits. During the course we started discussing forgiveness. Should people always be forgiven? Are there some things that are unforgivable? Should anything be forgiven?

There was a lot of discussion. A lot of argument. Heated argument. There was a large, loud contingent of people who believe that there are definitely things that are unforgivable. Most of them had examples.

• abuse
• cheating in a relationship
• murder
• rape
• and more

We didn't discuss what forgiveness is.

The definition of forgiveness has nothing to do with accepting someone's bad behavior. It has nothing to do with keeping a toxic person in your life. It has nothing to do with giving approval to the person whom your forgiving. It, in fact, has nothing do with the other person.

Forgiveness, by definition, is letting go of your resentment.

You can forgive someone and still recognize that you need to distance yourself from them, or know that their behavior is such that you can no longer allow them in your life. That is, forgiving someone is something you do for yourself. You do it for your well-being, your state of mind, your health.

Can you take five minutes to let go of a resentment that you've been clinging to?

Persephone, hold firm

If something doesn't feel right, even when it's an offer of help, maybe it isn't.

I'm moving tomorrow. A friend drove up from Colorado to help. When he made the offer he told me that he could get a good deal on a moving van and offered to rent one and drive it up here.

I hemmed and hawed. Wouldn't that end up being awfully expensive? Sometimes they charge per mile on top of the rental. He insisted it would be a good deal, but promised to give me prices before he reserved it. When he called me with them, they turned out to be just about the same as what a U-Haul truck would cost to rent. I suggested I just reserve the U-Haul so he wouldn't have to deal with it.

"But how would I get out there, then? Or, if I drive, what would I do with my car."

I had three suggestions: rent a car and drive up, take the bus, fly. He had arguments against each of them. Although I wasn't comfortable with the decision, I eventually agreed to leave the renting of the van to him.

He arrived yesterday. In a cargo van. Not a moving van, a cargo van. For the same price the U-Haul would have been. We've loaded it as full as we can, but there's a lot that won't fit. My vacuum. My shelves. My loveseat. And more. I have to leave them behind.

In the scheme of things, what I'm leaving behind is just stuff. It doesn't matter. But I shouldn't have to leave it. Had I held my ground and told my friend that I was uncomfortable with him renting the moving van, that I wanted to make sure I got the van I wanted, I wouldn't have to leave anything behind. He might have been annoyed, but not for long. I would have had to pay for him to fly out, but I'll end up spending more than that to replace what's being left.

It's my fault, and I'm annoyed with myself.

What can you stand firm on in just five minutes that may save you headaches or expense later?

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Asking a question or telling someone what you want takes almost no time. And you certainly accomplish it within just five minutes.

When I was 15 I went to Mexico with the Girl Scouts. In order to afford the trip I sold tons of cookies, wrapped packages in the mall, and participated in several other fundraisers. I earned enough money to not only pay for the trip, but to give me a bit to spend while there.

The trip was great. There were five of us who went – two adults and three girls. We spent the first week in Cuernavaca at Our Cabana, one of the Girl Scout World Centers. From there we had day trips to other areas. We visited pyramids. We worked on service projects at a local orphanage. We saw the silver artistry of Taxco, where I bought silver earrings for several of my friends. And we got to know the counselors who worked at Our Cabana.

One morning, after we'd already returned from Taxco, we were at breakfast and I noticed the earrings that one of the counselors wore. They were simple silver drama masks – Comedie on one ear, Tragedie on the other. In my group of friends back home, one of the ways we let someone know that we liked something they had was to ask them to will it to us. So that's what I did.

“Sue, you should leave your earrings to me in your will. They're awesome.”

Sue looked a bit disconcerted and didn't really respond. Sometimes adults acted funny about the idea of their wills, of their death, so I dropped it. I didn't think about it the rest of the week.

On our last day I sat outside with my luggage, waiting for the rest of my group, talking with some of the other girls I'd met during the week. Counselors stopped by to say goodbye and wish us well on the rest of our travels. Sue cae up and did the same. But then she took a step, paused, and stepped back.

“Which one of you was the one who said I should put them in my will?”

I swallowed, knowing I was about to get lectured on the inappropriateness of having done so. I squeaked out the word, “Me.”

“Here.” She handed me the earrings I had liked. “You're not going to get another chance to get back to Taxco, and I go there every couple of weeks. I want you to have them. Have a good trip.” And she walked away.

The girls I was sitting with asked me why she gave them to me. And I heard in their tones and saw in their faces that what they were really asking was why she hadn't given them anything. It was a simple answer – I had asked for them.

I had always heard the proverbs The squeaky wheel gets the oil, and Ask and ye shall receive, but I had never really applied them to my life. I certainly hadn't intended for Sue to give me the earrings I'd admired simply because I'd asked her to. But she did. A five dollar pair of earring – easy enough for her to replace. But a priceless gift and lesson for me.

Something similar happened at work about a week ago. I was asked to stay on the contract for another two months, but I was asked on the day I had planned to give notice at my apartment. I had already begun packing for my move. I had help lined up to help me move from North Dakota to Colorado. I looked at several factors over the weekend, and determined that it didn't make financial or logistical sense for me to stay through November. I would be leaving the first week of October, as planned.

I sent an e-mail to all the pertinent people, letting them know my decision. But, I added, half-joking, if they wanted to let me telecommute from Colorado, I'd be happy to stay on the project. Today – one week after they received that e-mail – the paperwork was signed. That's record time for the federal government. This seems to be an unprecedented situation. And I know that if I hadn't asked, it wouldn't have happened.

How can you let someone know what you want in just five minutes?

Just Do It

"I'll get started after I've studied it a bit more. I'm almost ready; I just need more background knowledge."

I got to meet some inspiring people at the Seth Godinevent in Minneapolis last Thursday. The woman who said she'd get started "after I've studied" was not one of them. She was nice. She was friendly. And she thinks she'll make a million dollars off of the business idea she wants to study more. She won't.

It's not that her idea can't make a million dollars. Million dollar ideas happen every day -- often the things we least expect. No, the reason she won't make a million dollars is because she's not working on her idea.

I believe her when she says she needs more information before her idea is perfect. Perfection doesn't happen. And it most definitely doesn't happen if you don't get started. By studying instead of doing, she risks nothing. By risking nothing, she has no chance of failing. But she has no chance of succeeding, either.

There are things she can do while still studying. Ways she can start DOING. She can write up a business plan. She can look for investors. She can mock up a product. Once she mocks up a product she can start selling it -- even though it won't be perfect. I've never met a customer who would rather buy a perfect nonexistent product instead of an imperfect product that actually exists. (If you know of any, send them my way. I'll sell them plenty of perfect nothings.)

The point is to start. Education and research is important, but they can quickly become excuses to never go anywhere. If you have something you want to do - do it. It takes just five minutes to get started on something. So get started.

What "perfect problems" can you overcome by spending just five minutes actually working on them?

Check the Date

We all fear rejection. Which is why asking someone on a date is a hard thing to do. But being wishy-washy about asking someone on a date -- that's can be even worse.

I helped out one of the new employees at work -- showed him how to save a ton of time on a particular project by automating the data entry. Friday he came by my cube.

"I want to thank you again for helping me out. You saved me a lot of work. Will you let me thank you by taking you out to dinner on Saturday."

Keep in my mind that he's talking to me in the middle of the workday, at my cube, and there are plenty of our coworkers around who hear him. The situation makes it seem much less like he's asking me out, and more like it really is a thank you dinner. Plus, as Chuck Klosterman points out in Downtown Owl, the people around here are friendly but not particularly interested in becoming friends. He's been here a month and is probably as starved for a non-work conversation as I am.

Even recognizing he might be asking as a date, I said yes, because he didn't say it was a date. He said it was a thank you. I try to take people at their word.

Also, generally if someone couches a date in other terms, they don't make it extremely date-like. They take the dinner (or whatever) as a time to gauge whether or not a real date is a possibility.

So we go to dinner. There's a yellow rose in a vase on the table. Jazz is playing softly in the background. It's nice. This is Dickinson. There are few vegetarian options on the menu. I order an entrée salad. He orders steak. We have a nice dinner, good conversation. After dinner, as we're leaving, he tells me to take the rose. I figure he's joking; who takes the flower from a restaurant table. I laugh and say no. He insists. After a couple of moments of this I realize there are no roses on any other tables. I take the vase and flower, but my comfort level has dropped.

At least it's a yellow rose, I think. That's the rose for friendship. *Maybe* that's how he means it. (It's amazing what we tell ourselves, isn't it?)

I've already agreed to stop at his apartment. He's ordering some new furniture, and has told me he wants a second opinion on how it will look. On our way to his apartment, I let him know that I can't stay late; I still have work to catch up on tonight.

He gives me a brief tour of his apartment. It's very nice. Mine feels squalid in comparison. He said he wanted honest opinions, so I give him mine. He wants to show off his stereo system -- something he had talked passionately about at dinner. So he puts on a CD. We discuss a range of topics from flamenco to the multiverse. He seems surprised that I can follow the conversation, that I have heard of the multiverse or the golden ratio. I'm surprised that he's used to people who can't follow that discussion, who don't know of these things. I remind him I have to work. We talk a bit more.

And he gives me a box of truffles. Okay, now I can't pretend to myself that he doesn't mean this as a date. Once again, my comfort level drops.

And as we're leaving for him to take me home, he steals a kiss. Now, regardless of what happens later, he can't pretend that it's not meant as a date.

Comfort level: sub-basement.

On the drive home he asks if I'm involved with anyone.

"Sort of."

"'Sort of,' like it's ending?"

"'Sort of,' in that we're trying to figure out where we're going."

"Then I apologize for stealing that kiss."

Though I half want to rail at him for turning what could have been a friendly, getting-to-know-you dinner into an uncomfortable evening, I tell him it's okay.

"Then can I steal another?"

Why couldn't he have been that up front in the first place? Yes, at this point the audacity or courage or whatever you want to call it was inappropriate, but it would have been absolutely appropriate for him to squirrel his courage when he invited me to dinner instead of hiding behind "Thank you." It wouldn't have taken five minutes to tell me what he actually had in mind. And it would have saved us both discomfort and embarrassment.

How can you make your wishes clear in just five minutes?

In Defense of . . .

"I'm okay with most people, but that (shudder), that's just . . . It's not right."

Twice in the past week I heard people say this, or something a lot like it. And that was just last week. It's a judgment statement that people make all the time. If the statement referred to something harmful:

I'm okay with most people, but rape/ pedophilia/ beastiality/ murder (shudder), that's just . . . It's not right.

Then I might not have a problem with it. I still wouldn't like the word choice -- condeming the person instead of the action -- but I'd be a lot more okay with it.

Last week, as usual, neither statement was about actions that cause harm to anyone. In fact, they weren't even about actions or lifestyles that would be easily noticable.

Last week, the things that brought about the squeamish comments were gender correction surgeries and furries.

And, as usual, the comments made by the squeamish illustrated how uninformed they were. To be fair, though, one of them asked me questions. The other just made assumptions. Sadly, making assumptions seems to be the more common of the two.

Although the conversations we ended up having in both instances lasted longer than five minutes, it took just five minutes for me to address and refute many of the common misconceptions, stereotypes, and prejudices regarding both gender dysphoria and furries.

Most prejudices stem from ignorance. And much of that ignorance can addressed, on a surface level, in just five minutes. People who hold prejudices will often start to rethink their points of view if someone they know challenges their assumptions. Five minutes may not overcome the prejudice, but it's a start.

What prejudices can you address in just five minutes?

Attitude of Gratitude

When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude. - G.K. Chesterton

I admit that I get discouraged sometimes. I'm not discouraged right now, though some people would say I have plenty of reasons to be.

A large part of why I'm not discouraged right now is attitude. (and, no, my attitude isn't always positive -- but I try to make it so) A conscious thinking about the good that comes from what could be seen as a bad situation. And there's always good. A conscious decision to be grateful. And there is always something to be thankful for.

Potential Problem
I live in a town where the natives, while friendly, don't seem interested in becoming friends.

Another Way of Looking at It
I am reminded everyday at how strong and independent I am. Whether it's being able to take care of myself when I'm sick, hanging pictures, or going hiking.

I am reminded how important my friends and family are to me. Even when they drive me nuts, I love them.

I am encouraged to help make it easier for other people who move here and have no one, and reminded to do this even if I'm surrounded by my friends.

Potential Problem
My job -- what I moved here for -- is almost done, and I haven't found a new one yet. I've sent out tons of resumes.

Another Way of Looking at It
If I don't find a job by the time this one ends, I will have the time to start the publishing business I've been thinking about. I will have the time to work on my roadtrip across America project. I've got them both sketched out, I just need the time to implement them.

Potential Problem
My laptop caught a virus and died. Because of this I have not done nearly as much writing while here as I had planned.

Another Way of Looking at It
I have taken time to revisit printouts of things I wrote before I moved here. I rediscovered pieces I had forgotten about. I've revised a lot of these works, making them stronger, tighter, better.

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It takes just five minutes to think about what good could come (or has come) from a difficulty in your life. Just five minutes to change your way of looking at a problem so that you can see the positive it adds to your life.

What are you thankful for?

The Write Stuff

Write a bestseller in just five minutes!

I know a lot of writers. Real writers. Writers who write every day, or close to. Writers who know that all it takes to write (beyond learning the alphabet and the rudimentaries of stringing words into thoughts) is to write. Some of them have published bestselling novels. Some are regular columnists for respected papers. Some have been published locally or have self-published. Many haven't been published. Yet. But they write.

I know a lot of wannabe writers. Wannabes who talk about how much they want to write. Wannabes who complain they have to much to do (families, jobs, responsibilities, for pete's sake!) to find the time to write. Not one of them has written a worst-selling novel. Not one of them has a column with the most pathetic of papers. Not one of them has been published locally (at least not since school) or has self-published. And they won't be. Because they don't write.

It doesn't take much to write. Sure, a lot of people will tell you to write at least 500 words, 1000 words, 2000 words every day. Others will say write for at least half an hour, an hour, two hours every day. And to the wannabe whose excuse is that there's no time, those are nearly impossible goals to agree to stick to. That's when we turn to Jerry Cheaver's Immediate Fiction: A Complete Writing Course.

John Cheaver's primary, numero uno, can't miss rule in Immediate Fiction is to spend at least five minutes every day on your work in progress.

That's right. Just five minutes.

Okay. I can hear you through the computer. "How on earth will anyone get anywhere if they only write five minutes? Get real."

First, just because you promise yourself you'll write at least five minutes doesn't mean you can't write more. Sometimes (maybe even often) you will. But if you only promise yourself at least five minutes, you will always be able to find the time. Even if it means hiding in the bathroom away from the kids or coworkers. Five minutes is ridiculously doable.

B.^* When you spend time actively thinking about your work in progress every day -- even just five minutes -- the story stays with you. You think about it both consciously and subconsciously throughout the day, week, month. You work out problems without even trying ("Hey! Chapter two would work better at the end of the book. Duh!"). And, when you do sit down to write for those five minutes, the story is fresh. You know it. You know where you are. You don't have to reacquaint yourself with the world, the plot, the characters.

and 3.^* When you're struggling to find something to write, when you can't figure out what needs to happen next, when you're body curls up arthritically to cringe away from "writer's block," knowing you need only write for five minutes can be freeing. If you're writing for just five minutes, you can let the story go in an unexpected direction. You can let your characters behave uncharacteristically. You can play and experiment. What's the worst that happens? You later choose not to keep those few sentences or paragraphs. But maybe the experiment pays off. Maybe you get past whatever your hang-up was. Maybe you discover something amazing about your story. Five minutes sets you free.

^*My numbering brainmeats had a Paul Reiser moment.

We all have things we pretend we don't have time to do. What can you tackle for just five minutes every day?

Destiny Has Torn Us Asunder

Destinies can change in just five minutes

The boss called the team into the conference room. "One of you is getting laid off. You guys decide who."

I wasn't there, but I can imagine the wide-eyed terror that comes from being blindsided. The heat of anger at being left to make this decision. The rock in the stomach from wondering if one of your coworkers is going to tear you down in order to build themselves up. The awful, terrible unknowing.

My friend, single and childless, volunteered to take the hit.

For my friend, this decision had to hurt, but would it have hurt more if he'd stayed knowing that one of his coworkers was now out of a job? He doesn't know what's next for him, but it's a different path than he saw just a month ago. He's free to return to school, work overseas, find another position in his field, or pursue another career entirely. And I'm sure there are dozens of other options that are now open to him that he wouldn't have seen had he stayed where he was.

It isn't just his destiny that he affected. By sacrificing himself, my friend spared his coworkers.

I don't know them. I don't know their lives. But I do know that money problems is one of the top relationship killers. I know that the stress of unemployment can cause fathers and husbands, mothers and wives to act out against their kids or spouses, or retreat within themselves. Whether anything like that would have happened, we'll never know. My friend spared them the stress of being laid off.. He affected their destinies by letting them remain on their current paths.

What choices have you made that changed peoples destinies?

note: As of this post my friend still hasn't been told whether or not they're actually going to lay him off. He's in limbo, waiting to find out.