Pardon You

Forgive: To give up a feeling of resentment

A couple of years ago I took a university course called Psychology of Happiness. It was just a short course. One month, two credits. During the course we started discussing forgiveness. Should people always be forgiven? Are there some things that are unforgivable? Should anything be forgiven?

There was a lot of discussion. A lot of argument. Heated argument. There was a large, loud contingent of people who believe that there are definitely things that are unforgivable. Most of them had examples.

• abuse
• cheating in a relationship
• murder
• rape
• and more

We didn't discuss what forgiveness is.

The definition of forgiveness has nothing to do with accepting someone's bad behavior. It has nothing to do with keeping a toxic person in your life. It has nothing to do with giving approval to the person whom your forgiving. It, in fact, has nothing do with the other person.

Forgiveness, by definition, is letting go of your resentment.

You can forgive someone and still recognize that you need to distance yourself from them, or know that their behavior is such that you can no longer allow them in your life. That is, forgiving someone is something you do for yourself. You do it for your well-being, your state of mind, your health.

Can you take five minutes to let go of a resentment that you've been clinging to?

What's the meaning of this?

"I hate my job. I can't wait till I retire so I can do something meaningful. Something that helps people."

I've worked with a lot of different people in a lot of different jobs, and this is something I hear over and over.

Sad, isn't it? To think that we can't do anything meaningful without having a lot of time. Yet there are billions of people who believe it. (Based on anecdotal evidence — I'd say more than half the people I've talked to believe it.)

It's a faulty belief. Sure, if you really believe it, it's true. You make it true. But it's an easy enough belief to challenge. An easy enough belief to change. And beliefs that are easy to change are rare.

Here's what you do:

Sometime over the next day, do something nice for a stranger.

It could be paying the toll for the person behind you. Helping someone carry their groceries to the car. Offering a sincere compliment.

Save the emotional experience. Write down how you feel.

This should be done as soon as possible, so the emotional response is still strong. Are you happy? Proud? Connected? You don't need to use a lot of words — just enough to tell you how you feel. After you write the emotions, briefly write down what you did.

Read it —out loud — to yourself.

What would it be like if you felt this way on a daily basis? If you spent just five minutes doing something nice for someone else, and reflecting on how it makes you feel?

Rinse and repeat.

Do this again every day for a week. Then for a month. A year. A lifetime. You may not choose to write down your emotions every day, but you can still savor them.

It's that easy. Spend just five minutes helping someone else in some small and unexpected way, and you can change your life.

What can you do to add meaning to your life in just five minutes?